*posted much later than a year- oops- written during that era though*
It has been a year and 2 months since I broke my leg. I am back in Salt Lake City, the place I had left in March 2022, after spending 7 months there working in wilderness therapy. I don’t know if time is as linear as we tend to think, I see it moving in circles, outward with each passing moment. I am in the same place but my life has radically changed. This time around I am working a different job, I am living in a real house (not my mini van) and I have a new focus- getting my body as strong as it once was.
When I first moved back to Salt Lake, I panicked and accepted the first job that was offered. Soon after, I accepted the job that I actually wanted and that made more sense financially and with my life. I worked both of those jobs for about four months. At first, I worked everyday, then eventually I had one day off a week, then I went down to PRN or as needed at one of the jobs, and now I am finally stepping back from one of them. I am looking forward to having more free time to do that which fills my soul. I really am loving my life and where I am at now.
I had been staying very busy. I’ve kind of always been that way. Black or white. Go big or go home. All or nothing. Balance is so important but I can never seem to find it for long. I swing back and forth between the extremes, the pendulum never really stops in the middle, at least it hasn’t. I have been working almost every day, but at least I get to go home at night. I’ve still been finding those moments of quiet and peace, they are just thrown in amidst the chaos. It forces me to be in the present, most times, when I accept where I am and what i am doing rather than questioning the moment, the process.
I am still healing, physically, emotionally and mentally. Some say they look at their lives in pre-injury and post-injury terms. Things will never be the same, my life has radically changed from the way it was. And that is scary as hell. It’s heartbreaking, it’s soul crushing. Part of me wants to hold on to that piece of me, I want to bang my head against the wall, stomp my feet and cry into the night on the cruelty and unfairness of it all. But I don’t. I know I need to focus on what I can do, what I can control. Not some goal that I am still hanging onto down the line. Things will happen when they are meant to happen, I can’t rush it and I definitely can’t fight that natural order and progression of things. I can sure as hell try, but it will be to no avail and I will be exhausted and defeated in the end.
I’ve tried a fair amount to force things into being the way I want them. It seems I never really learn my lesson. I put in my mind the things I want to achieve and I forget the million miles in between now and the future. I compare myself to those who have put in different amounts of effort and where I think I should be rather than where I am and the steps that are right in front of me
I am still learning to accept where I am, the steps I have in front of me. My present reality. My present capacity. It could be random chaos, it could all have meaning. Ultimately the truth is unknowable, but must be felt and is for each person to decide on what works for them. I choose to believe that there is a rhyme and reason for all things. A picture much larger than my puny brain can grasp. But I don’t know for sure. Maybe one day it’ll all make sense, maybe not. It is not for me to decide. It is just for me to do the best with what I have and with where I am. Easier said than done most of the time. That is what I strive for, but the battle in my mind often persists. That nagging voice often presents itself, telling me I should be further along. I should be able to do more things, to move faster, to jump higher, to dance with more freedom. I should be able to stand longer, to walk further.
I am learning to be patient, as I have been for over a year. I still catch myself trying to walk faster than I can, my mind is in a hurry to be somewhere else. My body reminds myself that the only place to be is right here, and there’s no rush, because there is no where to go.
I don’t know why that doesn’t ever seep into my constantly searching and striving mind. I am always looking for my fulfillment and lasting happiness, just around the river bend. Once I am healed, once I hike the PCT, once I ride my bike across a few more countries. Once I add those things to my resume, then I will be complete, only then will I be happy. It is all rooted in such delusion, the goal post is always moving forward. I am still in a battle between being here and wanting to be elsewhere. I come back to where I am and what I have more and more throughout the day, becoming more and more aware of the ever grasping mind. Wanting to hold on to the good and avoid the bad. Wanting to hold on to that which i don’t even possess, which can’t be possessed.
Injuries have an enormous healing potential. It can be a transformational process, losing the ability to do the things that we once let define us. If I can’t do this or be this or achieve this, then what remains? It is a rare opportunity to slow down the fast paced life that we tend to live, always looking forward to the next event, always so fixated on the future that we are forgetting to live in the present.
I’ve learned a lot this over the course of this injury, it seems the learning and the lessons are never ending. It is not quite how I imagined things playing out, but then again, it never really is. No matter how hard we try to make things go one way, life sure has a funny way of making things go in a completely different direction in the blink of an eye.
I am learning to let go. To let go of ideas, to let go of expectations, to let go of where I think I should be, who I think I should be. All of it. I have always been a person who is plotting the next big adventure, the next goal to be accomplished, task to be completed. Striving for more, to see more, to do more, to be more. The grass is always greener on the other side, I just have to get there. Yet, somehow I get to where I am going and the goal post changes, always moving itself forward. The grass continues to always be greener on the other side, happiness always remains just around the river bend.
It has been a slow slow process. Plagued with fears of never being able to return to where I was at before. Those fears have begun to subside as I resign to the fate of the present moment and embrace my current reality and all it has to teach me. Also finally seeing some real improvement has been a huge encouragement. I don’t need to run up a mountain tomorrow, but by golly I will work my ass off until some day I can again.
I am now trying to learn and to focus on the process rather than the end goal. Becoming a writer rather than writing a book. Becoming physically fit and capable rather than healing my leg. Enjoying riding a bike or going on a hike rather than needing to complete a long hike or bike ride. I am trying to focus on surrendering to chance, to randomness. It is something that is so easy to see when on a long hike or bike ride, that is partly why I am always gunning to return to that lifestyle. I think it can be noticed in the day to day operations of life, it just requires a bit more attention. It requires me to put myself in positions of vulnerability out in the world. Turns out the grass is greenest exactly where I am.
I’ve been implementing impact training and jumping and have noticed a huge improvement. A month or so ago I was terrified of trying to jump. Slow and steady wins the race. I have been keeping steady in the basics and progressing myself forward when I deem myself ready.
Life is starting to all fall together, as it always is and will. I feel a bit more in tune to it these days. I am surrounded by a wonderful community, I live in a beautiful home, I have a fulfilling job where I feel like I am making a difference in one of those small ripple effect kind of ways. I am in a steady routine of exercising my mind and body. I try to step back a little bit each day from how I think my experience should play out in this world. That last one is a bit tricky though.
I know I am here, I must be for the foreseeable future, until I heal. It is easy to daydream of future opportunities and adventures to go on. But how often must I learn the futility of such energy expenditure. The future is not guaranteed.
“Thinking about the future is like fishing in a dry gulch. Nothing ever works out the way you had planned. So if you must think about something let it be the uncertainty of the hour of your death”…
The reasons I moved back to SLC
Until the next one,
Lynne Wummel
