The Beginning of the Healing Process For Fractured Tibia Plateau

It has been just shy of two months since I have had a plate and 3 screws put into my Tibia Plateau (Knee region) and a titanium plate into my skull to ensure both bones grow back as they should. I went back to my doctor at the 6 week mark and got the okay to start weening off my crutches. I walked with both of the crutches for a few days, then just one crutch and finally, as of today, no crutches, just my brace. I can shower standing up, I can sleep through the night without needing pain meds, I can bend my knee almost 90 degrees, I can do the downward dog and I can even stand completly on my injured leg. I’ve come a long way in a short time, but the road stretches on. I’ve been doing yoga and strengthening exercises daily and have also recently begun physical therapy. It’s always interesting to me looking back on where I was a year ago and in this case, looking at the similarities and differences in those two points. I have been doing my best to make the most out of this time in my life and to absorb the lessons that this difficult journey and moments can provide. Over the last two months I have experienced a wide array of emotions, from frustration and envy to joy and gratitude.

My plan before taking a snowmobile off a twelve foot bridge was to get to southern California and walk to Canada, 2600 miles along the Pacific Crest Trail. I had been planning that hike for a few years now but after my accident I radically accepted that 2022 would not be the year I hiked it. I accepted that this was where I needed to be and that in truth no place or moment is better than any other one, the trick is to not mind what happens, although easier said than done. This time last year I was laid up with a broken ankle. Initially, I also radically accepted the new way of life, but as time progressed and I wasn’t able to do the activities I wanted, as I watched my friends do things I’d like to join them in, there were traces of bitterness, resentment and envy.

I found a piece of paper that I had written on and tucked in my journal, a journal that I happened to start around the time of that broken ankle. The writing seemed elegant and I remembered how when I wrote it the words just oozed out of me onto the paper. I found it humorously ironic in the way that things have come full circle. Here I am, another year, another leg injury, another opportunity for growth in the ways that I never wanted nor expected. I’ve done and learned a lot since writing that, many things still ring true. Growth is still silent, nature still whispers that all is right, to trust, to have faith. Injuries can really be a powerful lesson and opportunity to slow down and reflect, after we get past the emotions that impede that that is.

I am not sure if I didn’t learn all the lessons that I was supposed to back on the mend of my ankle, or maybe their are many more lessons that I can only learn when my legs won’t do what I crave of them. These questions I will never have answers to, but there is a lot to learn. I can only hope and do my best to keep an open heart and mind. To learn what I must, to let go of what no longer serves me, what has been holding me back and to trust in the way of the world. Even if I don’t exactly know what those things are.

So far in my healing process, this time around, there has been a lot less numbing of the pain, a lot less pity and self-sorrow. I’ve been focused more on making this time as productive as I can. Focused on feeding my soul in the ways that I had been neglecting it in the past year. I have been reading, writing – in both Spanish and English, meditating daily, practicing various breathing techniques, and practicing compassion. However, much like the grieving process of my ankle injury, after the noise settled down a bit, negative emotions at times would try to creep into my headspace. Initially, I was so positive and at peace, I never really properly grieved my loss. This changed in a blink of an eye.

I had an appointment with a new ortho doctor here in Michigan that I saw about 2 weeks after my surgery. He said if I wanted him to treat me I’d have to follow his recovery approach to this surgery and that requires wearing a knee brace. A small thing but man was that the straw that broke the camel’s back. His condescending tone didn’t help, but I had this idea of how my healing process was going to unfold, and it didn’t involve a brace. I think also the reality of my situation was finally hitting me. My mind couldn’t handle one more change and the dam gradually started to break while I was waiting to get one fitted. The poor man who had to fit me, I was holding back tears the whole time. You see up to this point I had been pretty damn positive about this whole thing. I didn’t want to spend money on a stupid knee brace, a week in the hospital or two surgeries. I wanted to spend that money on a hike of the PCT, I wanted to spend it at grocery stores, hostels, on a new pair of shoes, not on co-pays and x-rays. I was also a little pissed off at all the patronization and lack of being treated like a real live human being with all the doctors that I have had to see these last couple of months. So after I had my nice, shiny new brace, my mom went and got the car and I sobbed the entire way home. I shouted angrily at all the doctors and I cursed my situation. I didn’t mean all the things I yelled and thought but boy did it feel good to let all that anger, sadness and grief go.

There would also be times when I would go on social media and see friends, loved ones or even strangers beginning their own thru-hikes. This feeling would creep into the pit of my stomach, it would tighten my chest and take over my mind. That should be me, I would tell myself. I should be out there walking, living freely in nature with the simplest of agendas. Instead, I can’t even walk. I would fill up with envy and sadness at their ability to do what I craved, I longed to be there. My mind would say that’s not fair, why can they follow their dream when I can’t follow mine? Misery really does love company, if I can’t hike then no one should hike! Oh the self righteousness and self importance that is still so engrained despite all my efforts to dissolve it with awareness and compassion. Silly thoughts that I was able to consciously override, yet they existed nonetheless. Truly, in my heart I am happy for them. There is no freedom and joy like walking thousands of miles with your belongings on your back. Yet, the little me, the ego, whatever you want to call it, wanted what other people had. It wanted to be elsewhere, wanted to bring others down into our level of suffering. I cannot escape my own reality, I cannot change where I am or what my current situation is and I don’t want to waste my precious energy attempting to do so. The trail will be there when I am ready, this process of healing is slow and circular.

Since the first long distance adventure I did, I was hooked. I derived much pleasure from being able to push my physical and emotional limits and come out stronger on the other side. The embrace of intentional suffering showed me stillness and peace, and for a while I mistakenly attributed that stillness and peace to only be found on those adventures. I thought the only way to access that was to suffer with all of my belongings on my back or on my bike- this was one of the reasons I wanted to ride my bike across America after the Appalachian Trail, I was chasing that high. To me, a thru-hike is one of the situations where it is easiest to see through all the BS and noise of everyday life, but stillness and peace cannot be contained. The thing is, everything ends. The climbs, the trails, they all eventually stop and the people you meet, well most eventually go their own way. That’s the inherent problem with finding peace and joy in anything external, it doesn’t last once the circumstances change. You work for so long towards a goal, and then maybe you get that goal and you’re satisfied for a moment or a month. Then this feeling starts to creep back into your life, a feeling that something is missing, a feeling of wanting more, or a longing for the past. Then before you know it you’re back at square one. Maybe you find a new goal to work for, but the cycle continues.

There is nothing wrong with having goals, but the idea that achieving these goals is what gives us fulfillment is dangerous. Joy, peace and stillness are found along the way, they are found in the in betweens, the transitory moments, they are found within us no matter our external circumstances. I believe that the difficult moments, the pain, the anguish that we must endure in life are opportunities for growth, for acceptance, for change if it is needed. For if we can find that peace within us, accept that nothing lasts and everything is constantly changing, unfolding and evolving, then we can stand strong despite whatever strong winds might blow. Now don’t get me wrong, if given the choice, I would still choose to be on walking on trail, but I am learning that that’s not the only place where joy and peace hide, they are actually rather abundant if you know where to look.

I am grateful for my broken knee to provide me with the opportunity to be at peace even without being able to do what I love most on this Earth. It is a blessing to be able to learn how to walk again, but also to learn how to look again and to learn how to listen again. I am grateful for the slow pace which I must adapt and the space it provides around me to look closer and listen more intently. I am grateful to feel the sweet earth under both my bare feet. I am grateful to feel my injured leg supporting my entire weight as my foot rolls over the ground. I am grateful for the opportunity to slow down, for the opportunity to shift from focusing on physical activities to nourishing my spiritual and emotional needs. Life and its circumstances are the greatest teachers a gal could hope to have. Heres to the road to recovery and finding joy and peace along the way!

Peace and Love

Lynne